Men Aren’t The Only Ones That Need Advice

Alright ladies, in lieu of the release of the female-empowering “comedy” He’s Just Not That Into You, there has been a sudden influx of women who feel it is their duty to give men advice. That’s great and all, since many guys really can use this advice, assuming they know how to actually apply it to real life. But personally, it’s been a lot of stating the obvious, so I decided to create a response of my own. (Well, aside from the fact that Justin Long is still a douche and Drew Barrymore is not attractive by any measure.) That response is of course:

Advice for Women

Let’s be realistic here, you need it. You want it. The crazy side of you, which exists no matter how much you try to deny it (some of you are just really good at burying it deep inside of you), is probably ready to drop a fury of rage upon me before even reading further. And my response that is: Awesome. Nothing better than proving me right before we’ve even begun. But on a more serious note, this will be just as helpful for you as you feel your advice was for the men reading it. (And before you get all feminist on me, let me state that I am not only essentially a feminist, but I realize that some of these things apply to men as well. But we’re talking about you, the women of the world. Well, at least the ones in industrialized nations and in the dating world. I couldn’t care less how the indigenous tribes of Kenya hook up.)

Also, I do realize that many of the women who will actually take the time to read this are fairly intelligent, but that doesn’t exclude you from learning a thing or two while you’re here. So without further adieu, the list:

- No one cares how intuitive your cat (or other pet) is. - I mean this in the nicest possible way, but no straight main is genuinely interested in your stupid cat unless it can not only clean up after itself, but also cook and clean. Anything short of that, and the damn thing isn’t worth mentioning. When this conversation comes up, I usually take it as my cue to check out everyone else in the room.

- No matter what you or your female friends think, your car is not going to impress any (worthwhile) man… however your knowledge of cars might. - Of course there are a few exceptions to this, seeing that some guys don’t care about cars, or the odd woman who came to the conclusion on her own to buy an awesome car, but the overall point remains. It isn’t specific to just cars, either, I just figured I’d go with a topic most women don’t know or care about, as long as it just works. Think of this as your equivalent to talking about women’s fashion… only far more practical since everyone uses a car, and only gay guys care about women’s fashion. If the guy you’re dating is remotely into cars (driving a Mustang does not count, don’t worry, there will be a post on this at a later date), being able to even discuss models you think look cool scores big points (once again, unless it’s to tell him you love Mustangs or anything similar).

- Do not pretend to be dumb. – The unwritten sexist rule: Women are dumber than men. We all know this isn’t true, and on a case by case basis in couples, isn’t the case. (However, oftentimes men will intentionally date girls dumber than them to keep up the perceived level of dominance over her.) But intelligent women who act dumb to either conform to their social group or feel less intimidating to men aren’t helping anything. Be yourself. If you’re intelligent, make it obvious. If you find yourself acting dumb so you don’t intimidate a guy, well odds are he has more insecurities than just that, and it’s not going to end well.

- Do not take on a “work in progress”. – There’s a reason why none of his relationships have lasted very long. You’re not going to bring out the best in him, with distinct evidence being that every other girl before you failed at doing so too. All you’re doing is setting yourself up for disappointment and getting treated like shit (or complete lack of fun if you take on a “nice guy” that’s trying to become interesting).

- Describing yourself as “independent”, “sarcastic”, or “witty” gets you nowhere. You have to prove it. – This is one of my favorites.  Ladies, think of this as how you view a guy who claims to be intelligent, funny, and charming. What is your initial response? Complete skepticism. He has to prove it to you, right? Well guess what! You’ve got to prove those same things to men. They’re not going to buy any of your random adjectives, because the crazy girl they dated just before you fed them the same lines, and she ended up dull, dependent, and completely unfunny. (For the record, guys also don’t buy the “I’m great in bed” line either, because every single girl claims that, just like every guy claims it.)

- If you say you’re mature, odds are you’re not. – And if you try to tell me all of your friends think you’re mature, then you’re definitely immature. Mature women (no, not the old kind) don’t state that they’re mature, they simply act it.

- Wear clothes that fit. – No one wants to see your muffin top, flabby gut, or every bit of cellulose that exists on your body. And even worse, if you’re fat, wearing low cut shirts to show off your cleavage is not attractive. You’re still fat. Everyone still notices. Your attempt at distracting from this just looks sad. Seriously.

And that concludes this installment of Advice for Women. I would’ve added visual aids, but I’m way too lazy for that (plus you can always just look at your friends or in a mirror for examples). Feel free to tell me how much you hate me in the comments, I’m looking forward to it.

~ by whittydiatribes on February 10, 2009.