Public Service Announcement: You’re a Tool

I wanted to cover something I’ve alluded to at least twice now. Don’t want to leave loose ends just dangling there in the wind, like… well, use your imagination.

Before you think I’m specifically talking to you, let me clarify. This only applies to most a select few of you, and probably to quite a few people you know. I would like to think anyone actually reading this is not a tool, but well, I know the law of averages are working against that line of thinking. So what makes you a tool?

Well, it all comes down to this. If you drive one of these, or even think it is awesome/cool/some other positive hip word to use these days, then you’re definitely a tool:

That’s right, the Ford Mustang.

If you drive one, or currently have the desire to own one, then well… you are beyond hope already. Just accept who you are, and move on.

If you don’t drive or want one, think a little bit about all of the people you know that currently drive, have owned, or want to own a Mustang. I’m sure they’re the most awesome bunch of friends, acquaintances, coworkers, and other random people that you could ever hope to associate with. Deep down, you know they’re all tools. They love that ugly monstrosity way too much, and if they drive one, they love themselves just as much.

I could launch into a few thousand word rant about how truly terrible Mustangs are. From their econo-car interior, to their boxy, ugly exterior, and even their often mocked “handling” characteristics… there is nothing positive to say about this car. Nothing. Even the more expensive versions, like the 500hp GT500 KR, suck. The just look more ridiculous and cost more money. (In fact, expensive Mustangs are one way to impose a tax on stupid people.) There is no car that screams both “attention whore” and “I have terrible taste” quite like a Mustang.

But for the rest of us, the Mustang is kind of a god send. For the ladies reading this, any time you meet a guy and you find out he drives a Mustang, it’s the ultimate red flag. He’s flawed. It’s only the beginning of the many character flaws he has. Just trust me on this. Run. Away. Fast.  And guys: If a woman drives a Mustang, then she’s likely still in the high school mindset, so once again, a giant red flag. She’s likely possessive, jealous, and attention whoring like all other girls… when they were 17.

Ultimately I’m not sure whether to loathe the Mustang for ever existing, or to love it for the way it allows me to judge people before even having to bother getting to know them. I guess I’ll just have to love to hate it. There seems to be no other alternative.


~ by whittydiatribes on February 12, 2009.

26 Responses to “Public Service Announcement: You’re a Tool”

  1. OH Brandon – why could I have not known this 5-6 years ago??? I would have saved 6 months of my life and all the shame of dating that tool that followed.

  2. It’s okay Julie, we all make mistakes in our past. The important thing is to have this knowledge moving forward to prevent yourself from wasting any more time on tools.

    But really, you dated a guy with a Mustang for 6 months? Ouch.

  3. Yep -true story. It was black with black leather interior too. I was young and in college… and well, stupid.

    He now owns a corvette – which I personally think is the “past 25” tool car

  4. As long as you never once thought “Wow, this car is awesome!”, you’ll be okay.

    The Corvette is one of a few parallels to the Mustang, I just wanted to keep it to the key one for the blog. But yeah, Corvette is the definitive “past 25” tool car (and also mid-life crisis car), the Camaro and Trans Am/Firebird are up there too in terms of tools that drive them. Basically “American Muscle” is just overall a bad sign.

  5. Question – you know a lot about the blog world. Someone apparently created a blogger profile just to view/follow my blog – do you know of anyway i could track who that was?

  6. Is this something we can discuss in email or IM? If you tell me which method you prefer, I’ll contact you. It’ll be easier than dragging out the discussion in the comments here.

    Julie, do you have some baggage following you around? haha

  7. you have my email? (its on the deal where i leave comments) hit me up there… i didn’t think i did but now i think i do. WHOOPS! apparently i packed said luggage myself with this blog.

  8. No one ever thinks they have baggage… Whoops is right! haha

  9. oh i don’t think i do – i know … everyone has baggage.. its just a matter of whether or not they can carry it or hand it off to someone else to lug

    look at our analogies today – where the hell is brit”?

  10. She’s probably painting her nails or something. Who knows with that girl.

  11. ok ok ok OKAAAAAAY! I actually had to leave my house yesterday. and once i finally left, i realized i had a lot of crap to do. so i’m just now getting back to my cave and internet connection. AH! how i’ve missed you both.

    Painting my nails? Yea, sure brandon. Just like when you wanted to hang out but i was washing my hair. same thing.

    ANYWAY – i used to be obessessed with a guy who had a mustang. and it was the one that like turned colors in the light – even worse! well he got some girl knocked up and i never saw him since.

    my brother had a mustang. he IS nuts. then he crashed it to pieces when he slid off some ice and wrapped it around a tree. oops.

    corvettes are ridiculous.

    there. happy NOW?!?!?

  12. Brit, wait, are you telling me you really didn’t have to wash your hair as some big nightly ritual? Now I’m upset.

    The chameleon paint job! Not only did that Mustang scream “I’m a tool”, but it added the “but I also decided to waste another $3k for a paint option that changes colors from green to purple to show off how awesome I am. People can’t help but look at me now.” I’m not sure if I should be surprised or not.

    I’m content. For now. Just don’t let this “outside world” thing happen again anytime soon. I’m not sure either Julie or I can handle another entire day without you.

  13. Sheesh Brit – can’t you get a blackberry or iphone or something for us?

    Wow – a chameleon mustang. The only thing that would make this better is if he had his name on the back window in huge letters like “G O N Z A L E Z” and then the kid peeing.

  14. hahahaha. I wouldn’t bet against that actually being the case, Julie. I mean look at how much he accomplished after getting that Mustang!

  15. hahah. jules that is hilarious. i love when people have ridiculous things on their back windows. usually it’s something like “honda” – really?

    yes, the chameleon paint job. of course, i couldn’t just date a regular psycho with a white one, it had to be chameleon… because you know how i roll. “i’ll take the maximum amount of crazy, thanks”

  16. I would expect nothing less from you, Brit. I think you’ve handled enough crazy to last a few lifetimes already.

    As for car window signs – my favorite are just what you mentioned, Brit, the ones where they put the brand or model of the car on the windshield. As if you couldn’t tell by the badges already on the car.

    Naturally, the right to put such awesome things on your car is reserved for only shitty cars. You know, like Mustangs. And Luminas.

  17. […] Public Service Announcement: You’re a Tool […]

  18. i keep reading mustang and all i can hear in my head is……. MUSTANG SALLY NOW BABY>….. GUESS YOU BETTEr SLOWW THAT MUSTANG DOWWWAAWAWAWANNN ehehe i am sure i have the lyrics wrong there somewhere hehe.

  19. Susi, are you a secret Mustang lover? If so, our “experiment” may not work out so well.

  20. How could I have missed this sign of immaturity. I thought back on my life and every Mustang owner was trapped in high school. I thought about this as I went out and polished my 57, 2 door Chevy Bel Air. I won’t grow up, Never and you can’t make me. Wanna Ride? Mud

  21. haha no not a mustang lover…im the sort of girl that looks at a car that is more than 10 years old and think…its old car full stop… “but susi its a classic…” PPFTTT whatever… its an OLD CAR. i have no idea bout cars…damn i need to change the oil on my car…hehe brandon… ur my experiment buddy… the whole world is counting on me to change americans…even if its one by one…

  22. Don’t worry Susi, there’s nothing “classic” about a Mustang aside from how shitty of a car it is. So really, you’re not missing anything.

    Also, let’s make this clear: I’m the one American that doesn’t need changing. (I’m sure Julie just groaned when she read that.) I’m sure the girls of America will appreciate your efforts though.

  23. […] had a run in with a guy who probably drives a Mustang. Well, it wasn’t really a personal run in, it was more of a public event that I was there to […]

  24. […] Or even worse: Driving a Mustang. […]

  25. Says the douche bag that drives what, a yaris? The Mustang has only been around for close to 50 years. With a following and model lineup that rivals that of the 911. One’s history is rich and far more appreciative than 90% of the cars today. Currently It’s performance rivals that of a BMW M3. It’s taunt, stout and sleek. I get more compliments each day. You’re just DENSE. Honestly is all sense of the word… You haven’t a clue. The fact that you made a post telling girls and guys what to do if ‘they date someone’ shows how toolish you are. Like WTF? The thing I find most disturbing from your post is your total lack of anything factual. You should never post a blog again.

  26. LOL you know nothing about cars. “500hp GT00 KR” You’re crossing 2 different cars dipshit. the KR is 540hp the GT500 is 500hp. Go back to your moms basement and stop posting. fool.

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