Before I get into today’s (this year’s?) topic, let me preface it with the following: There is no good reason for me not writing anything for, uh, 9 months. I’m still alive. I’m still employed (whether or not I’m working is clearly a different story). I was not battling any inner turmoil, angst, or terrible experiences (other than trying to forget that Dane Cook exists and that the remake of Pocahontas Avatar was trumpeted by too many people as “amazing”). But man, I sure have a bunch of excuses for my brief absence. You know, like consciously choosing to forget this thing even existed. Can you blame me? Or lacking inspiration for writing yet another decidedly mediocre post. Regardless of my excuses, I’m back for at least one post, which I expect no one to read. So back to the topic at hand:
Or as they’re known in real life: the single girl with the great mix of intelligence, personality, maturity, and looks that is interested in dating me.
I completely understand my handicaps when searching out said females; I do, after all, live in Wisconsin where the buffalo roam… where people aren’t exactly “thin.” That happens when a state is known for its vast, amazing cuisine, including many fried foods (seriously, we’ll find any excuse to fry cheese here), and beer. The freshman 15 is really the freshman 40 in Wisconsin, a harsh reality I came to grips with during college. And despite the quality higher education institutions in the vicinity (Madison and Chicago), I don’t believe anyone associates Wisconsin with areas where intelligent people tend to congregate.
But if you ignore all of that, the odds are clearly on my side.
A recent scientific study concluded that men should marry women that are 5 years younger and at least 27% smarter than them. To qualify the intellectual difference, the example given is that the woman should have a college degree and the man should not. Also, neither person should have a prior divorce. It has also been proven that men live longer when marrying a younger woman. My immediate response to reading all of this:
(Warning: This next section may make me sound like a pretentious ass that thinks way too highly of himself. In reality, I’m just aware of what I’m capable of. So if you don’t like it, you’re more than welcome to go die in a fire.)
I long ago came to grips with the fact that I’m unlikely to encounter a woman that is more intelligent than me, let alone one I’m also attracted to. I’m not one to be intimidated by such a thing, in fact I would welcome the challenge. I just don’t believe I’ll ever meet that particular person. Call it lowering my expectations if you want, I prefer to call it being realistic. That said, I’ve since grown up and also realized that that specific level of intelligence in a partner does not directly correlate to how happy I’d be in a relationship. You don’t have to be a genius to engage is great conversation or challenge ideas. Anyway, I digress.
Now don’t get me wrong, my expectations are hardly unrealistic in any of those areas (intelligence, maturity, personality, looks). I don’t expect the unicorn to excel in any one of those particular areas. But there are certain levels in each that they have to reach… it’s called having standards, which is something all most of you likely have.
In the case of maturity, I’ve never been into the partying/bar hopping/clubbing scene. In fact, I’ve never been drunk. So clearly anyone who still thinks and acts like they’re 21 is out of the question. And is it too much to ask for them to be moved out of their parents’ place and have a job that they can support themselves with? Apparently so. I know there’s the problems with the economy and completely understand the circumstances that sometimes occur that forces people to move back home. I have no problem with that. It’s the people who went to college to get some useless degree (assuming they went at all), and continue to work in retail because they’re unqualified for anything else. Even worse is when they constantly complain about their job and living arrangements, yet refuse to do anything about it. And since most people lack ambition and love using any excuse they can (the most recent one being the aforementioned economic problems), I feel this is becoming an increasingly common trend. However, I’m willing to admit that perhaps I was just naive to it before, and my 4+ year stint in the dating world has opened my eyes. Regardless, I don’t think I ask for too much.
I was considering diving into the issue of looks, but I think I covered it earlier. I mean, I live in the dairy state, which is full of cows (I’m not referring to the animal). I would be surprised if the muffin top wasn’t invented in Wisconsin. I know too many girls that work out, but then don’t understand why they can’t lose weight while they eat like crap and get drunk multiple times a week. (Side note: Why do people refuse to believe that drinking works against any attempts to lose weight? Science is clearly not on your side, you damn drunks.) And before anyone accuses me, no, I don’t expect a model or any nonsense like that. But I don’t think I’m out of line expecting someone to at least attempt to take care of their body… because if they don’t, that type of behavior typically cascades into other areas of their life.
Clearly there’s also the whole sense of humor, ability to take a joke, self awareness, blah blah blah… You know, the typical things people randomly list off that they want in a partner. I figured that stuff doesn’t need to be completely spelled out.
So back to my original point: I’m chasing a unicorn. I’ve had friends try to set me up (and fail), my mom try to set me up (and tragically fail), and even tried my hand at online dating websites (ranging from tragic fails to just regular “this won’t work”). I’ve come to the conclusion that in order to find a unicorn, I’m going to have to just get really lucky. And to be honest, the fact that luck plays a large factor in any major area of my life frustrates the hell out of me.
Of course, there’s one option left: settling. But to anyone who knows me, they know that I absolutely refuse to settle when it comes to anything. The day I settle will be the day you find me working a low level desk job with no opportunity for advancement simply because it “pays the bills.”
Or even worse: Driving a Mustang.